Chronically ill, singel and the mommy dream

​Deciding to become a mom on your own is not an easy or easy decision. You must simply and easily consider whether it is something you want and can do alone. Even if you have a large and good network around you, you must be equipped to do the job. Perhaps the most difficult and painful thing is to let go of the family dream and realize that life took a different turn than you had actually imagined. When I started the experiments last year, I had taken many rounds with myself before I finally landed well in the decision. Since it is an active and conscious choice to do it alone, I owe it to the unborn child and have thought through and thought about the issues that will come. The child will only have me as a parent and will automatically become more vulnerable if something should happen to me. Or worse, if it turns out I'm a bad mother. Some would argue that I am an egoist who robs a child of a father. But for this future child, the alternative will be not to exist at all.
 
There are many scenarios in your head during such a thought process. Both of a psychological and more practical nature. What is it like for a boy to grow up without a dad? Who will teach him what it is like to be a man? How about a girl who grows up without a dad? Who should be her role model for how a man behaves? Do I inflict invisible vulnerabilities on my child later in life? Can I handle it financially? Who should I spar with about upbringing? Who around me dares to speak out if I do something wrong or unfortunate? When and how do I tell the donor story? These are just some of the questions that go through your head and require an answer or an assessment. Fortunately, I have good people in my life I can spar with. Everything from the small practical questions to the big philosophical ones. When I became ill, an extra layer of health questions was added. How sick am I going to get and how big is the chance that the child will suddenly become an orphan? What if the disease flares up during childbirth? Will I be more tired than other mothers of young children? How will it work to go on immunosuppressive medication when the child starts in kindergarten and takes lots of bacteria home with him?

In the end, many of the questions remain open. It is impossible to predict the future and what it will look like. The one who is healthy can suddenly get sick, I have just experienced that myself. Those who have a house, a partner and everything in care can suddenly lose everything. To believe that one can have full control over every little detail and a plan for everything in life is an illusion. We can always try to take precautions where it is appropriate for us. For me, it's listening to the doctor when it comes to the time of pregnancy. Make your own and conscious choices for food, physical activity, rest and work. Finding the balance and an everyday life I can thrive in. My future is as uncertain as everyone else's, neither more nor less. The only choice I really have is to float with as life unfolds. I hope it will be long, healthy and include children.