About this time last year, I got an old rocking horse in wood from the 50's. It was right after the 3rd attempt in Denmark. When asked if I wanted it, I thought it might be a nice renovation project in anticipation of a positive pregnancy test. There is something nice about renovating and giving new life to old things. When I got sick, there was  too much painful symbolism in the rocking horse. So  for a long time it was left hidden, but not forgotten in the basement. As I got better, it got to come out again and what stated as a fun project has become increasingly charged with meaning. Somewhere in the back of my mind, a goal was formed to get it done before the november check up. As a sign that it's ready for what's to come.

It looked quite messy and worn out when it arrived. Ironically and without knowing it at the time, the rocking horse and I were actually in a bit of the same condition when I got it. Tired expression with peeling paint and brittle hair. In a similar way, we have also undergone an overhaul throughout the year. Layer after layer of paint is scraped away, with chisels and chemicals. With sandpaper, the innermost layer finally appeared. It revealed some wounded, but mostly solid wood. Nothing that couldn't be fixed. The wounds were covered and strengthened with putty. After a coat of primer, it immediately looked brighter during the summer. As the leaves began to fall, new layers of paint were added to hide putty and wounds. November evenings have given time to the last little details and it looks fresher and healthier than in a long time. The brittle, dirty mane has been replaced with fresh, well-groomed hemp and it starting to look more like its old self again. It will never be exactly the same again, but it has become all the richer in history. Time, energy and part of my story are now embedded in this rocking horse that was ready for the dumpster. Now it 's back at the starting line, ready to start a new and exciting chapter. Just like me. Today I had my check up at the rheumatalogist and I have been given the green light. I am healthy and stable enough to try to get pregnant !!

​Just like Halloween, Father's Day is a custom imported from the United States, where the first Father's Day was celebrated on June 19, 1909. In the Nordic countries, Sweden was the first to appear in June 1931. After both Sweden and Denmark experienced good sales figures in connection with Father's Day It was the tobacco trade in Norway that first proposed the introduction of Father's Day. The fact that Father's Day was added to the second Sunday in November was simply to provide more turnover until the Christmas shopping got off to a good start. Even though the day was introduced to trigger trade, it is a good idea to honor or remember fathers and the work they do. I myself am so lucky that I have two fathers, a dad and a stepfather. That is why there are also two boxes of chocolates in the hallway today. After a phone call to dad, it turned out that he is in Spain, so one of the boxes must be hidden away for so long. The other ended up in the bike basket and had a little Sunday ride.

Of course, Father's Day also touches on the sore side of my solo mom project. The fact that there will be no dad present when my baby is born. The experience and consequences of growing up without a father are what critics worry about most when they oppose assisted reproduction for single women. Most people probably agree that growing up with a good dad is better than growing up without. But I do not think one is doomed to a bad life without a biological father present. When assisted reproduction for singles is discussed, there is often a lot of focus on the biological danger, that one does not know who the biological danger is. But being and being a father is, after all, much more than just biology. It is a continuous choice to line up and be present. I think a study of gay men as parents is a touching example that being a parent is ultimately also a choice, which does something to us biologically. When a woman becomes a mother, there is a change in the amygdala that makes her respond to the baby's needs. Father's amygdala takes over when mother is not present. In gay couples where there is no mother, the amygdala works in the same way as with the mother all the time. So our own human nature is in some cases more adaptable than the individual assumes.

But biology is also a part of it, and unlike in Norway, you can choose a donor yourself at the clinics in Denmark. There is something absurd and a little sad about rationally considering search criteria that are usually made by the urinary instinct. What I emphasized when I read through the donor cards were indicators of good physical and mental health, as well as hair / eye colors that are similar to my own. After filtering down to 5 current ones, I let friends read through and provide input. It was a bit of a weird feeling to finally put a straw, as it is called, with donor semen in the shopping cart and take out the credit card. As if I bought a pair of shoes. But I can guarantee you that there were no thoughts of creating a designer baby that went through my head when I finally sat there with the first order confirmation that semen was on its way to the clinic. It was a combination of hopeful expectation and a declaration of bankruptcy that the family dream ended here.

Exactly this around Father's Day and similar situations that can create questions and a feeling that something is missing, one tries to form some thoughts around. I think the most important thing is not to problematize it too much or make it something bigger than it is. Avoid transmitting adult thoughts to the child. If you are constantly told "poor you who do not have a dad" then you will eventually think so too. Father's Day is just one day of 365 days a year and there are many reasons why children grow up without their biological father. If cards are to be made for Father's Day in the kindergarten, you can suggest making cards for grandfather or uncle, for example. I also do not think we will not be alone for the rest of our lives. At some point, someone will appear who wants to be part of our little family. It is not a matter of course, but I choose to believe that it will happen. From experience, I know that a stepfather can also be a very good and important father figure.

​November has been lukewarm so far, with the exception of a few mornings with frozen windows. November is generally a slightly lukewarm month. Caught between bold, cheeky October and flashy, carnal-scented December lies this gray, elusive month. Yesterday I found an old letter again. A letter written to an old lover, it's everything else a lukewarm. The letter brought me back to the memory of the relationship that never became anything more than a hope of love. It is a little uncomfortable to be reminded of the emotional register, it is still easily accessible under the skin. The deep-seated devotion that is replaced with desperation and bottomless grief when rejection is a fact. The humiliation of realizing that one was just a bloodless wait, a bit like November. The pathetic attempts to cling. Cling to an illusion of something that never was. Why do we do that? Do we cling to the people who confirm what we fear most? That we are not good enough as we are, that we are missing something? Why is it so easy to dedicate so much of your energy and warmth to someone who is lukewarm, cold or indifferent? What are you trying to prove? If I just give a little more of myself, try to be a little better, a little nicer, a little kinder, then they will eventually think I'm good enough. The whole thing is pretty sad to remember afterwards. I have written several such letters. Some I sent, most not, others I burned. For every strong emotion, a new lesson. Or maybe it's really the same lesson again, just with a new face. A lesson that you deserve better. One deserves more than half-hearted and lukewarm. Hopefully I will learn soon.

It is in relation to others that we experience and find ourselves. We are affected by those we surround ourselves with and they almost imperceptibly color us, leaving marks and scars on the skin. That may well be why we feel uncomfortable when we have to let go. Because as we let go, a small piece of us that they took with them disappears. Some marks and the people who left them fade and maybe even disappear a little when the old skin is released and replaced with a new one. Marks and scars you never thought would heal are suddenly completely gone. Others, on the other hand, have affected you more deeply than you were aware of and will never completely disappear. Someone has turned you in a new direction, aroused a new interest or trait. A trait you discovered in yourself. A property you took to yourself and made your own. It is a great experience to have in mind when life throws you further in a new direction, towards a new lesson. Because you know it will bring you something new, something you do not know about yourself yet.

Big thoughts to keep in mind on a normal Friday. Or not quite an ordinary Friday, it's payday and today I'll actually be taking a paycheck. With this mode, the steering wheel solves some world problems as well. Good weekend!

The Halloween party i still lingering in my body and my gut is less than happy with the (slightly too many) glasses of bubbles I indulged in. A somewhat nicer Halloween leftover are sitting on the kitchen counter. One of the cute little pumpkins  I have grown, is cut into pieces and is going to be tasty soup. Cooking from scratch is a bigger part of everyday life now than it used to be. Because the increased focus on ultra-processed food, has caught my attention. Several studies link ultra-processed foods to adverse health consequences. Studies show that more additives can increase inflammation and change in the intestinal flora of mice. If there is one thing I'm trying to take good care of these days, it's my gut bacteria.

Food processing is divided into 4 categories, which is called NOVA classification:

1 - unprocessed food or minimally processed food
This is food that is unchanged or treated minimally from the time it was collected, simply raw ingredients such as fish, meat, fruits, vegetables, grains, eggs and milk. Minimal processing may be that it has been cleaned, heat-treated, dried or frozen, but no other ingredients have been added.

2 Processed culinary ingredients
These are foods that are made from ingredients from group 1 that have been further processed or refined. For example, sugar, honey, olive oil, butter and flour.

3. Processed food
These are foods from group 1 that have been treated or added to products from group 2. The food is processed to increase shelf life, for example by cooking, frying fermentation or added simpler additives such as preservatives. Examples of this type of food are cheese, cured meats, pickles and canned fruits and vegetables.

4. Ultra-processed food
What characterizes the ultra-processed food is that it contains a number of ingredients that are not found in an ordinary kitchen, and that affect the taste, aroma, consistency. It's these ingredients that can be problematic, especially bulking agents and emulsifiers. Some of the ingredients are added to replace the amount of raw ingredients needed, while some are actually added to cover the fact that the other additives tastes horrific.

What is perhaps most frightening to hear is that in the worst cases, the product has been engineered to create a form of addiction. Meaning, when you sit down on the 3rd bowl of ice cream and feel like a pig without self-control (speaking from personal experience), it's not just necessarily about lack of self-discipline. The ingredient list is actually designed deliberately so that your "stop" button stops working, and you end up eating and buying more of the product. And the thought that some companies deliberately is trying to create food addicts provokes me.

So what should one do when something that is so fundamentally important to us as food, has become a topic that it's so easy to get lost in? When so many stakeholders want to pull or influence you in one direction or another. Whether it is morality, idealism, environment, health or perhaps most often, a desire for profit. To  steer myself in a slightly better direction when I'm at the store, I have started trying to follow a good advice I heard. To mainly choose foods that contain ingredients I could have found at home in the kitchen. It's something that is easy to relate to and understand. If I try to stick to this most of the time, then I think there is still room for that bucket of ice occasionally as well ..

Tips for podcast on the topic:
"A thorough examination"

Source:
https://forskning.no/mat-og-helse/to-nye-studier-kobler-ultraprosessert-mat-til-sykdom-og-dod/1342733
https://forskning.no/ny-mat-og-helse-kreft/forskere-kobler-ultra-prosessert-mat-til-kreft/285974
https://forskning.no/mat-og-helse-ny-overvekt/blir-vi-fete-og-syke-av-ultraprosessert-mat/270390
https://oslonyehoyskole.no/forskning/arets-beste-artikkel-i-nutrients-mekanismer-hvordan-ultraprosessert-mat-skaper
​https://www.aftenposten.no/kultur/i/86npkQ/hva-er-egentlig-problemet-med-industrimaten
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