Examination

It's Monday morning and I'm sitting outside the laboratory in the hospital. I got a queue ticket and a glass of my own urine in my lap. My hands are close to useless and clinging to the jam jar, marked "Fairytale Taste". A horrific scene of the glass slipping through my fingers and smashing against the floor is unfolding in my mind.  A familier looking doctor exchanges a few words with the bioengineer. Turns out it's my cousin. I greet him with a slightly too loud and weird voice, acutely aware of the glass of urine I am holding.

The referral for examination went quickly, so after I have taken these blood tests and delivered the urine sample, I have an appointment with the Rheumatology Department right after lunch. After everything I have read about lupus over the weekend, I have come to the conclusion that there must some sort of misunderstanding or mix-up. It is a fairly rare disease so it seems highly unlikely that I suddenly have this. I am actually quite calm while I'm waiting to be called. I'm looking forward to the error being cleared up and telling my family it was all a false alarm. 

So when the doctor tells me that there is absolutely no doubt that this is Lupus, I can't help but to break down crying in disbelief. She pulls out a papertowel for my tears while she shows and explain the test result to me. There is a fairly high titer of autoantibodies that are quite specific for lupus. Combined with the clinical symptoms,  there is no doubt that it is lupus. I try to compose myself and listen to what she is telling me, but my mind is nothing but chaos. The words "most people with lupus live long, normal lives" is lingering in the back of mye mind trying to break through the chaos, while the doctor continues the examination. She examines my joints, the mouth ulcer, looks at my scalp and asks about the hair loss and sunrash. She feels my ankles for swelling and inspect my skin for rashes. She listens to the lungs and heart and asks about the stinging I've been feeling in my chest.

Turns out I have had all these symptoms, and somehow manged to explain them all away. My body has been trying to send me so many signals, and I have not been listening. I didn't think I was sick, I was trying to get pregnant! When I ask about when I can try to get pregnant again, she has to pull out the paper towels again. The disease must have been in remission or low activity for at least 6 months before I can even think about getting pregnant. I realize that there will be no new attempt until next autumn, at the earliest. By then I will be 38, fast approaching 39 .. There is no point in holding back tears. In an instant, all my plans are laid in rubble and the future suddenly looks completely different than it did just a few days ago.

​But the doctor is more concerned about my kidneys than my pregnancy plans. There is protein and blood in the urine, which indicates that my kidneys are affected. She has talked to the nephrologist who recommends that a kidney biopsy is done. They want to see how much the kidneys have been affected and I will be admitted for this procedure the next day.