Google marathon

The fact that I became sick has impacted the holiday for the whole family, and I have not been a joy to be around these Christmas days. My mood has fluctuated between optimism and courage, and deep despair. With worry in their eyes, my family have tried to cheer me up and make sure I'm ok. Their efforts to stop my intense googling has not been successful. The doctors have warned me not to google too much, but I can't help it. It really is a morbid jackpot of a diagnosis. If I am to believe google it should almost be called "Murphy´s" instead of Lupus, because it looks like everything that can go wrong will go wrong.. At lunch, in the evening, on the sofa, in the car, under the duvet, in Norwegian, in English and at all hours of the day - I'm googling. I google autoantibodies, my test results, the medication I have received, the dosages, words from my journal, I google everything. I have googled my way to the National procedure for SLE and compare the medicines and dosages I have received. Trying to comprehend where I am in the confusing lupus landscape and how affected I am. I throw myself into medical articles and tables without understanding a word of it. Somewhere I read that it is smart to get some knowledge about the disease, but I think I am taking it too far. In a moment of madness, I wonder if maybe I should start studying medicine.​