greatest of all is.. insecurity

Just like the body needs healthy nutrition, so does the mind. The picture above is a little mental snack hanging on my fridge. What I find to be one of the most difficult parts of the whole diagnosis is accepting having to live with the uncertainty of it all. The illusion of control disappeared and it has at times been difficult to know what I can influence and what is completely beyond my control. In the beginning, it was a lot about taking the pills, trying to feel better and waiting for the next check-up. Hearing that the test results kept getting better and that the medication was working. There was a kind of predictability and plan to it. Now I slip more and more into everyday life of living with the diagnosis, and this is where the real work of dealing with it begins. Learning to live with not knowing how it will unfold. It's important not to forget the mental part in the middle of all the focus on the pillbox, healthy food and exercise.

Social media thus becomes a bit of a double-edged sword. There is a lot to be found that can be a comfort and a feeling of not being alone with a strange diagnosis. But at the same time, it can also reinforce disasterous thinking. I don't recognize myself in many of the descriptions. I don't have any particular daily ailments or pain, I feel healthy and vital most of the time. My body seems to be working well. On the one hand, I am grateful that compared to these descriptions, my lupus is currently quite mild and kind. On the other hand, they trigger a small concern in the form of, is this what awaits? Am I currently just blissfully ignorant and naive? If I don't watch my thinking, it is so easy to spiral down into doom and gloom. 

There are endless quotes around the idea of ​​letting go and go with the flow. It's so easy in theory, but so difficult in practice. Sometimes it's so much easier to go into fixing mode, instead of just letting things unfold. Make a plan, stake out a direction, try to predict the future. The unpredictability of the whole thing can feel so uncomfortable, that it almost becomes paralyzing. The head shifts into high gear. Trying to find solutions to hypothetical problems that have not yet occurred and that may never happen. Like when I cycled home yesterday afternoon and feel that the sting on the left side of my chest is still there. Without warning my thoughts wandered from "should I get something special to eat this Friday?" to "what happens if I get a blood clot or heartattack while I'm home alone?" It sounds completely hysterical, but these thoughts sometimes come as an impulse and it's difficult to turn them off. Learning to let the impulsive thought just arise and dissolve again without spinning it further is an important part of dealing with uncertainty.

At the same time, it is the uncertainty that gives life nerve. It 's what pulls us forward. The excitement and thrill of what lies ahead. It can get better, it can get worse. The only thing that is 100% certain is that things will change. As the quote says:

«The only thing constant in life is change»
- Heraclitus