Lukewarm november

​November has been lukewarm so far, with the exception of a few mornings with frozen windows. November is generally a slightly lukewarm month. Caught between bold, cheeky October and flashy, carnal-scented December lies this gray, elusive month. Yesterday I found an old letter again. A letter written to an old lover, it's everything else a lukewarm. The letter brought me back to the memory of the relationship that never became anything more than a hope of love. It is a little uncomfortable to be reminded of the emotional register, it is still easily accessible under the skin. The deep-seated devotion that is replaced with desperation and bottomless grief when rejection is a fact. The humiliation of realizing that one was just a bloodless wait, a bit like November. The pathetic attempts to cling. Cling to an illusion of something that never was. Why do we do that? Do we cling to the people who confirm what we fear most? That we are not good enough as we are, that we are missing something? Why is it so easy to dedicate so much of your energy and warmth to someone who is lukewarm, cold or indifferent? What are you trying to prove? If I just give a little more of myself, try to be a little better, a little nicer, a little kinder, then they will eventually think I'm good enough. The whole thing is pretty sad to remember afterwards. I have written several such letters. Some I sent, most not, others I burned. For every strong emotion, a new lesson. Or maybe it's really the same lesson again, just with a new face. A lesson that you deserve better. One deserves more than half-hearted and lukewarm. Hopefully I will learn soon.

It is in relation to others that we experience and find ourselves. We are affected by those we surround ourselves with and they almost imperceptibly color us, leaving marks and scars on the skin. That may well be why we feel uncomfortable when we have to let go. Because as we let go, a small piece of us that they took with them disappears. Some marks and the people who left them fade and maybe even disappear a little when the old skin is released and replaced with a new one. Marks and scars you never thought would heal are suddenly completely gone. Others, on the other hand, have affected you more deeply than you were aware of and will never completely disappear. Someone has turned you in a new direction, aroused a new interest or trait. A trait you discovered in yourself. A property you took to yourself and made your own. It is a great experience to have in mind when life throws you further in a new direction, towards a new lesson. Because you know it will bring you something new, something you do not know about yourself yet.

Big thoughts to keep in mind on a normal Friday. Or not quite an ordinary Friday, it's payday and today I'll actually be taking a paycheck. With this mode, the steering wheel solves some world problems as well. Good weekend!