Moving boundaries

The sun has set on the horizon and dusk is about to slip into twilight.
Shoulders and hips Are hurting, and the headache is growing stronger. Toes screaming in pain for each step, which are becoming increasingly fumbling and indifferent. But this tired, beat up feeling that rushes through the body is not because of lupus. This is the glorius feeling of a body that has been hiking for 13 hours in the mountains. A body that has crossed stony paths,  glacier and mountains to come back down with a huge smile. It´s important to know your limitations, but sometimes you have to push through and reset your boundaries. With the sun shining down from a bright blue sky in Jotunheimen, Saturday was a good day to do just that.

After a somewhat bad night's sleep in the tent, the pulse quickens as we start moving up the path from Krossbu. Slowly settling into a comfortable pace towards Leirbrean. There´s an expectation in the air that the day will be filled with adventure and challenges. Today's goal is Skeie, a trip my friend and I have talked about and looked forward to for a while. It will also be the most demanding trip I have been on since I became sick. Even though I know I'm in good enough shape for it, theres´s a certain nerve attached to it. We are accompanied by two more from the climbing club, so it´s 4 of us moving up the windless glacier. The sun is shining on my  face and the sound of crampons against ice mixes with breath and pulse. The last part of the glacier is a little steeper and covered by a thin layer of snow. The heart rate increases  with the steeper and softer su​rface. It feels like I'm breathing a little heavier than the rest of the group now. Fortunately, there is room within the group to ask for a slightly slower pace.

As we stand on the ridge, theres already a great sense of mastery. As we move towards the starting spot for the climbing we get a feel of the rocks. It is a bit icy and slippery in the shade so we´re minding our steps. Mentally, I have begun to prepare for what lies ahead. I have said that I´d like to lead the first length of rope and look up at what must be the first anchor spot. Colorful jackets of climbing teams already underway, are moving up the route. Shortly that will  be us. The body is very happy with getting a little break and a little more energy in the form of a sandwich and some Skittles. The brain, on the other hand, is busy distracting my tense nerves with practical tasks. How to set up a good anchor, what nuts, cams and slings to bring. The  anchor will be the lifeline of 4 people, so it must be correctly executed. And then, after a mental rehash, I´m standing tied into the rope with a backpack on my back and a significantly heavier harness. There are no white Raynaud's fingers in sight so I can opt out of the gloves. I´m ready to tackle the first length of rope.

"Anchor ready!" The 2 words are charged with pride and joy over a boundary that has been moved. Still, a little voice whispers in the back of my mind. I´m a little ashamed that I did not get the backpack all the way up. One point felt too tight to secure with the backpack on and the mind did not trust that the body could make the move without falling. The group found a solution to leave the backpack hanging so that I could continue climbing the last bit without the backpack. The shame that the next person had to pick up the backpack disappears as the pack of climbers comes up over the edge. The encouragement and pats on the back makes the embarrassement dissapear. It's like in life in general, when you choose your group of people carefully, you find solutions instead of shame. 

A length of rope later, we can finally take a quick break at the summit of Skeie. It is a fantastic feeling to sit at 2118 masl and know that the body is able to get up here. But everything that comes up must also come down and there is still an exposed ridge left before we are back down at the glacier. After 9 hours of hiking, it´s important to still have enough energy for both the head and the legs. The hike over the ridge offers several exposed points and a couple of narrow chimneys. At a few points we hoist down the backpacks. A blissful mix of mastery, adrenaline and spectacular views rides the body over the ridge and down the glacier again. The sun is setting as I take out the afternoon dosage of my medication. I realize how lucky I am to be able to live as normal as I actually do. Now it remains to see how my body will respond to this day. If I have accumulated some energy debt to pay the lupuswolf. Lupus definitely brings with it a lot of pain and suffering. But in a way, it also gives the days when everything actually works an extra dimension. Like this Saturday in Jotunheimen.